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I asked my mother to send me her kimono, which I wanted to wear for my birthday party back in December. This birthday was the very first one I felt like celebrating big after all the struggles about divorce. I had withdrawn for long because of that.

She and I have many issues, which let me move to America. I wanted to get away from her really, as she was soooo harsh on me whilst growing up, trying to frame me in.

However, now I am in my 30’s, recovering from our family disease, I have more compassion for her rather than anger and resentments I used to have.

She did have good intentions to raise me, but she didn’t have tools like I have. She is a mother who wishes her daughter nothing but the best, this I know now.

It cost her more than $600 to send her kimono, but she did it anyway since that was what I wanted. She never says no when I ask her to send me care packages.

I had photos taken in that kimono, and am making those into a book. This is a gift for her birthday this year. I would like to let her know that her daughter has grown up to be beautiful both inside and out.

Yes, I am proud to be me. I feel fortunate to be born as her daughter.

I wrote about being gentle with myself under adversity a while ago, so I have been doing anything that I thought they would be uplifting emotionally. I was wrong though.

Indulgence has a hint of regret, or guilty to it when you use it, doesn’t it?

I did enjoy going to a ballet, orchestra, fancy dinners, but part of me was saying, ‘is this really what you are supposed to do?’

I tried not to listen to the voice, thinking, why not? I am not going into debt or anything. What is wrong with being indulgent as I am feeling like crap?

Because of the sense of guilt, I must say I didn’t completely embrace joy of what I love to do, which led me on a binge of all those things I did. I wasn’t fully satisfied with them, so I had to do more, more and more, which made me feel more insecure, worried and crappy.

The voice is mine, but this is what my mother always said to me when I was growing up.

‘You should save your money. Keep your room clean. Don’t be like that,’ and so on and on, and on.

In a way, my mother did a great job to ingrain what she thought I should be doing.

I am a grown-up woman now and I want to live my life. Not hers.

This is quite liberating. I can stand on my feet. Now, I wait for the time to make actions to pursue my dreams, which I neglected for too long.