I had a moment today when I was filled with gratitude to be where I am today.
I love my beautiful Emerald City, where I have grown up spiritually.
One day remains to do the thing. I am going to miss it.
I asked my mother to send me her kimono, which I wanted to wear for my birthday party back in December. This birthday was the very first one I felt like celebrating big after all the struggles about divorce. I had withdrawn for long because of that.
She and I have many issues, which let me move to America. I wanted to get away from her really, as she was soooo harsh on me whilst growing up, trying to frame me in.
However, now I am in my 30’s, recovering from our family disease, I have more compassion for her rather than anger and resentments I used to have.
She did have good intentions to raise me, but she didn’t have tools like I have. She is a mother who wishes her daughter nothing but the best, this I know now.
It cost her more than $600 to send her kimono, but she did it anyway since that was what I wanted. She never says no when I ask her to send me care packages.
I had photos taken in that kimono, and am making those into a book. This is a gift for her birthday this year. I would like to let her know that her daughter has grown up to be beautiful both inside and out.
Yes, I am proud to be me. I feel fortunate to be born as her daughter.
A very sunny day in Seattle. I wanted to have another indulgent weekend, but I rather wanted to do something more respectful for myself. So went to a conference for the people on recovery.
I have been in this 12-step programme for 6 years, which saved my life from going crazy. I heard many people in my programme and the other one who shared their experiences, strength and hope, which is how the programmes work.
Real people, real life. Telling the truth without fear.
Many times, I got teary, thinking about the last 6 years of my recovery. All of my pains and struggles took me where I am today. I was reminded once again of many things I am grateful for that I now have in my life.
I’ve come so far.
I feel truly blessed that I was given a second chance. I am on the right path. I am not a graceful driver of life, however, I’ve got my vehicle and know how to drive. Slowly but surely I am moving forward.
Once again, I forgot that I’ve got everything I need at hand.
Since I got the probation notice, I was focusing too much on what I couldn’t change. I resisted to feel better, creating more unnecessary stress. Dah.
It’s all my attitudes that can change every thing. My life had been so well that I made myself too accustomed to it to remember that life consists of full of crap.
And yet, there were many tools that were right in of me to use in order to deal with those hardships, but I was blind. Again, dahh.
I stopped agonising about my situation at work. I bought myself a pink vase that caught my eye at a flower shop in the building where I work. Felt more pinkish. Got tulips in the same colour.
Hey, this is the very first time I bought flowers for my desk after working there for almost 8 years. I hate working for my office so much I neglected to take good care of myself. I realised I needed more than I needed for home.
I worked hard for the last few days. I know I am leaving the office sometime this year, but I’d like to finish what I need to do. That is, to me, self-care rather than going on a binge of indulgence.
At 5 o’clock today, on getting out of the building, I could smell the flagrance of Winter Daphne flowing with comfortable spring breezes. Felt good about myself.
I can’t believe I’ve already skipped 6 things-a-day. Oh well, I have to say to myself that this fun thing doesn’t have to end with February. I can still come up with creative things in the next 2 weeks.
I’ve seen this interesting survey made by Liz
a few times in various vegan foodblogs. I thought I’d give it a try just to get back into the routine a little bit. I still haven’t been cooking at all. Hopefully, I’ll have some nice food photos to share soon. We shall see. Anyway, here is my survey result.
1. If you have to choose between locally grown or organic, which do you usually choose?
I usually go with the locally grown stuff, because I like the freshness and community feeling. Sometimes I have to buy organic food if I want to cook something out of the right season.
2. Favourite way to prepare potatoes:
Scalloped potatoes for sure! OK, it’s fair enough to say that I also love rosemary potatoes a lot. But scalloped potatoes just hit the right spot.
3. Do you press your tofu before preparing/cooking it (if you eat soy)?
Pressing tofu is almost like meditation for me. I love pressing tofu and love love love the result. I used to feel it was so much trouble and waiting time. But after trying the pressed tofu I can’t go back any more. I usually take a whole afternoon preparing the tofu. It feels really good to cook the pressed tofu afterwards.
4. Name your favorite recipe that is a tradition in your family:
This is a hard question. It’s probably the whole wheat/kamut pasta with mashed bean and tomato sauce. We have a few variations of this recipe and we love them all.
5. Any food allergies?
No, thank God, no food allergies.
6. When you want to go to a fancy dinner, where do you go?
Where would I *potentially* go if I did indeed go out for fancy dinners? I’d probably just have a “fancy” vegan dinner party at home. I’m simply not a fancy vegan. I love fancy (homemade of course) vegan desserts though.
7. When you have a cold, what do you crave?
Chickpea noodle soup, or udon noodles with loads of mushrooms. Anything warm and comforting might strike my fancy.
8. What kind of water do you drink? (Filtered, spring, tap, etc.)
Spring water. Sometimes filtered water if I have no other option.
9. Name a flavor of soda you’d love to see:
Nothing! I totally loathe soda. All kinds of soda drinks.
10. If the recipes you ate as a child were compiled into a cookbook, what would the title be?
The Ultimate Fusion Cuisine: How To Eat and Cook Things You Don’t Know As A Pro
11. If you were allowed to grow one food that can’t grow in your climate, what would it be?
I’ve always wanted to grow avocados. Mashed avocado can be even better than vegan margarine/butter.
12. Favorite type of mushroom?
I have tried many types of mushrooms. My favorite is still the all-faithful shiitake mushroom. I can live on shiitake mushrooms.
13. Most frustrating part of your kitchen?
Total lack of storage and counter space. I’ve already converted most of the cupboards and shelves into my pantry area but I have to make sure I don’t buy too much bulk items like grains, legumes or spices. The counter space is more of a problem, especially if I want to make a couple of batches of cupcakes or cakes together, but I’m getting used to improvising every time I cook.
14. Last food you burned?
The crispy peanut butter cookies from VwaV. I tried twice! I still have no idea why my cookies turned into a big flat sheet of dough and got burned. So far I haven’t been able to make crispy peanut butter cookies.
15. Usual response to a veg*n’s favorite question, “But where do you get your protein?”:
I don’t even think any more because every omnivore or carnivore we encounter invariably asks this question. “From tofu, soy products, legumes, whole grains, and many things that you often eat too. We are not that different if you focus on the healthy part of your diet instead of getting stuck on the fact that not everyone eats meat.” And deep down, I’m also screaming, “I’m certainly not telling you to change your diet. So don’t get all defensive and argue with me about how wrong MY diet is, because I’m in no mood for a debate that won’t get us anywhere. Let’s just talk about the weather today instead.”
16. If you were baking your own birthday cake today, what flavor would it be?
I will be making a half dark chocolate and half coconut cake. Absolutely these two flavors together!
17. Favourite brand of chocolate chips?
I don’t have a favorite brand since I don’t really use chocolate chips often. I mean, really not often at all, if they are used once in a year.
18. You have $200 of your tax return reserved for Williams Sonoma - What do you buy?
What’s Williams Sonoma? OK, I just googled it and now I’m staring at this Web site. Only 200 dollars… I guess I’ll have to save some more cash to get a Dutch oven then.
19. Do you plan your menus in advance? Any tips to share?
Not really. I only plan my menus slightly before dinner. I can think about recipes for a whole day without deciding on a single course. I’m really bad at planning in a way. Tips to share: whatever you crave for, you can go for it without much planning. In my case, it always turns out to be the best dish since I really crave for it.
20. You have 3 minutes before you have to leave the house and you’re starving- What do you eat?
Vegan margarine on two slices of whole wheat bread.
21. If Martha Stewart, Paula Deen, and Rachel Ray got into a fight, who would win and how?
I don’t personally know any of them so how can I answer this question? Paula’s got the strength. Rachael can smother the other two in her burgers. Martha’s recipes are the only ones that I’ve used. So maybe Rachael would smother Paula with her burgers and Martha would stuff Rachael in her homemade duvet cover and win.
22. If you eat oatmeal, what do you add to it before serving?
Vanilla soy milk or coconut milk, chopped dates and maybe some macadamia nuts.
23. If you got to travel to one country and learn all the traditional dishes there, where would you go (ignore commitments in your current place of residence)?
Italy. Oh, I dream of Italy!
24. Favourite late night snack?
I haven’t had any late night snack in years now. If I had to have one, maybe just a banana.
25. Favourite springtime food?
Fresh strawberries for sure. Nothing smells better than those red little babies.
26. Favorite food-related magazine?
I don’t really read magazines, but I flipped through Vegetarian Times and I liked it.
27. Which do you prefer: shoyu, tamari, conventional soy sauce, or Bragg’s Aminos?
Tamari. Soy sauce makes a fine substitute.
28. What vegetable or fruit do you dislike the most?
The stinky durian irks me to no end. I get queasy just imagining it.
29. Name a holiday food you look forward to all year long:
A gigantic creamy slice of pumpkin pie, with extra pie filling all to myself. So people, stay away while I’m enjoying my pie!
30. If you could convert anyone to veganism with your magic wand, who would you convert?
Nobody! It’s not my place to do so even if I had a magic wand. I don’t have any desire to do so either. If people don’t want it, let them be.
I wrote about being gentle with myself under adversity a while ago, so I have been doing anything that I thought they would be uplifting emotionally. I was wrong though.
Indulgence has a hint of regret, or guilty to it when you use it, doesn’t it?
I did enjoy going to a ballet, orchestra, fancy dinners, but part of me was saying, ‘is this really what you are supposed to do?’
I tried not to listen to the voice, thinking, why not? I am not going into debt or anything. What is wrong with being indulgent as I am feeling like crap?
Because of the sense of guilt, I must say I didn’t completely embrace joy of what I love to do, which led me on a binge of all those things I did. I wasn’t fully satisfied with them, so I had to do more, more and more, which made me feel more insecure, worried and crappy.
The voice is mine, but this is what my mother always said to me when I was growing up.
‘You should save your money. Keep your room clean. Don’t be like that,’ and so on and on, and on.
In a way, my mother did a great job to ingrain what she thought I should be doing.
I am a grown-up woman now and I want to live my life. Not hers.
This is quite liberating. I can stand on my feet. Now, I wait for the time to make actions to pursue my dreams, which I neglected for too long.
Sometimes a hawk will fly by my office window. If I’m lucky the hawk lands on a branch and stare at me typing, coding, slacking. When I look into the eye of the hawk it seems to have a purity no human can possesses.
This is a fun gif of my friend Andrew. Don’t worry! This was a rotten piece of wood and the tree was not hurt.
Finally I made this as an art piece. Questions about life, aging and finding happiness.
(this is not me)
Another indulging weekend started with going dancing with my girlfriends (guilty pleasure for late nite quesadilla afterwards).
Going to a reading by a Japanese author, which was quite inspiring.
Exploring a wine bar in my neighbourhood on my own.
Going to a friend’s b-day party.
Brunch with a good friend of mine.
Listening to a Russian symphony (Rachmaninov was a goose-bumping experience).
Nice Italian at-home dinner with close friends.
A sunny day today.
What could I ask more?
And yet, tomorrow, I’ve got plans to have a quality time with myself.
I am like an efficient biofuel machine that knows how to recharge itself with something it has within. Not from outside source.
Yes, it is within me: Happiness.
Today was day 1 where I didn’t create something for my thing-a-day. I feel like I did more than just create something though. I closed doors to harmful emotional clutches, and opened doors to growth, connection and my future. Today my thing was healing, and boy did it come at just the right time.
This entry is for E., who complained that I did not post anything recently.Yesterday I finished Extremely loud & incredibly close. “I’m still wearing heavy boots.” I can really recommend that book to everyone, it is a must-read.
The Whitest Boy Alive at the Electric Ballroom, 07/02/08This week I was very lazy concerning Thing-a-Day. I not good in doing something on the tube or during my lunch break. I either read (I finished the book within five days, which is good, when you keep in mind that I was at work on four days out of those five.), talk or feel too sick for doing anything (I hate the Metropolitan line! It is so shabby and wobbly, that I could vomit all over the train …). And because I am really not into drawing (more into painting, but I do not have the materials), I haven’t done anything worth mentioning. I will upload one picture, which I quite like. I made it on my way to work. Everyday the sun rises three minutes earlier and you can really feel the difference. It’s amazing!
The Whitest Boy Alive at the Electric Ballroom, 07/02/08My hand was also hurting every now and then, which kept we away from my computer at home. On Wednesdays I have my choir rehearsal and on Thursdays I hopefully practise my juggling some more. Fridays are here to chill out and phone home. I forgot Tuesdays: I am coming home at about half past seven and do stuff one does when s/he comes home from work so late and I prepare for bed. So, I am sorry, but from Tue to Fri I am really not up to do something to be worth posting. But I make a picture every now and then.
On my way to work, 06:44 am. You can already anticipate the sun rising.I flipped through the recent photographs and I will post a few in/with that entry.At the beginning of March I will get an assessment from my manager, if I got it right, besides that my wage will go up a bit. I really hope, that I can get the tax back I am paying right now, because it is immensely high! As I only work for three months in the UK tax year of 2007/2008, it is just a matter of me insisting on getting it. I haven’t heard anything regarding Council/Housing Benefit yet, which pisses me off (like missing the Chiltern train in the morning). I don’t want to phone them and tell them to their †¿§‰?”*)+!=•¡ job.
On my way to the office. I can see where I go! 07:34 amRight now I am also waiting for the tax rebate from Austria. It takes so long because I received jobseeker’s allowance for a while. That’s unfortunate, but I can hardly change it.I started the first book of Harry Potter today. It’s so much thinner than the last one! Good, I think that’s it for now …Too long Johnny For the proper layout look on my blog, I just can’t be bothered right now with WordPress!
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, as the Beatles say.
This is what my adopted family and I talked about today.
Now I am in my 30’s and what I learned about love is that you cannot give what you don’t have.
The person whom I love the most is me. Having self-love can only give out love to others.
Loads of people I know don’t know how to make themselves happy, nor do they even know they deserve to be so.
Isn’t this sad? You do not live your life fully, giving up on what you want to do.
I will be selfish. I want to have my life in a respectful way to feel good about myself.
Love cannot solve all the problems, this I know, but at least genuine one from the people I care about lead me where I am today.
♪It’s easy.
Sometimes being creative means looking at the world around you for inspiration. I think I will make a gocco in tribute to this ad.
It’s everywhere now.
Day by day, the number of buds are increasing.
Quite soon, change and growth, I feel them closer.
Woo hoo! A 3-day weekend for me.
The top priority for me right now is to reduce stress whilst sorting it out on what I really would like to do for my next career, not what I can.
For many years in my life, I have judged harshly on myself and I am not good at indulging in a healthy way. I feel guilty when I do so.
Yet, I have been working on living life as fully as possible since the biggest split from my ex-husband.
There are so many ways in which I can improve the quality of my life. Instead of agonising about what I can’t do, or couldn’t do, I will take action to do something positive.
So, today, I am dressing up to see a ballet and to have a girls’ nite out.
It is all right to spoil a bit, isn’t it?
Today, I prayed. I prayed hard. And I have high hopes for all of mankind; not just the people in the country I live in. I don’t feel superior because I live in America. I am not superior. Superiority isn’t based on a country, a race, a gender. Superiority is what God has chosen as superior. It is principles, and sticking to them to the best of one’s ability that is superior. And for that reason I pray and continue to pray for change. For a change that will change the mindset of us in this country, and make us realize that there are other people, in different parts of the world, that matter. We don’t pick and choose who is better, whose lives are worth saving. We don’t risk killing people, and possibly be wrong. If we support a war, we better be sure they are the ones who commited the harm. If not, we better hold our fire… for if we don’t, God Heareth and Seeth all.
Today, I prayed that Barack Obama would gain momentum. He has. Thank God.
And let me add something. It isn’t the man that I seek. It’s the ideas that are offered. I also keep in mind, just like any person should, that no human being is perfect. Sometimes we must choose against ourselves and look at priorities. My priority is life. I pick life.
