High on conversations
Yeah, I’m posting this a day late. Oops!
Anyway, yesterday my creative thing was issuing myself a personal challenge for March, since this particular challenge I’m doing right now will be over Saturday.
I wrote a blog about it on MySpace, so I’m just gonna copy and paste. It’s long, so you don’t have to read it, but it basically boils down to me giving up all alcohol and drugs for the month of March. And, no, I’m not an alcoholic or a drug addict. But this is still a big deal to me. And I am going to actually TALK to people more, not type to people, which is all my normal social interaction consists of. Very sad, I know.
Here is the blog, if for some reason you’d like to know more details on this experiment:
Thing-A-Day was a great way to challenge myself, and put back a piece of me into my life that’d been missing since I transitioned from college to the “real world”: art. I highly recommend participating in TAD ‘09, if you missed this go round.
In a week, T.A.D. will officially be over, but I don’t want the personal challenges to stop there. I want something pushing me forward at all times.
Before September, it was escaping my crappy hometown. Practically everything I did was so I wouldn’t have to fester into the rotting pile of redneck corpses. Now that I’ve avoided that, I can’t help but sometimes feel stagnant. Like, what am I supposed to overcome next?
*Gulp* Here goes…. For the month of March, I am swearing off alcohol and any other substance that is mind-altering. (This doesn’t include caffeine. I can’t afford to not WORK.)
Exceptions: My birthday (3/25) and anniversary (3/31) - not necessarily those dates, but whatever date I choose to observe & celebrate those days.
Maybe I’m huge loser to consider going without drinking & stuff for a month a big deal, but it is to me. Kudos to all of you who think it IS stupid that I’m so worried about not being able to drink or pop a pill for a month, because you obviously have such an awesome life that you have better ways to have fun and/or relax, and for that I applaud (and seriously envy) you.
I don’t consider myself alcoholic or addict (anymore), but for me, ever since pretty much high school, a good time has been synonymous with alcohol (or less legal stuff).
In all my experiences post-childhood, if you went and had a good time with friends, you were getting your mind altered in one way or another, or you were the D.D. I cannot remember the last really fun thing I ever did that did not in some way involve alcohol and/or drugs. Even a walk to the beach isn’t the same without a cooler full of beer or a mixed drink hidden in a giant sippy mug.
Now, on the other side, for those of you who like to drink and/or use, and never intend to quit, I’m not putting you down. I’m right there with you. I don’t think drinking or even playing with drugs is morally wrong. It’s certainly risky and unhealthy, but so is eating fast food and going skydiving. But both of those are legal.
But, anyway, I’m not here to discuss my political beliefs. If you want those, I’ll do it for you later. (See below, “another part of March Challenge”) I just want to take several weeks to clear toxic things out of my body and KNOW that I can have a fun time without something intoxicating me. I’m kind of ashamed that I’ve always relied on that to enhance my good times and to add sparkle and polish to my often wallflower personality.
So now, I’m setting out to no longer need personality enhancement.
And I definitely need moral support on this. I mean, hell, you can tell I’m weak, because I’ve already set aside my birthday and anniversary as exceptions. If I really “meant it” I wouldn’t have had to. I would plan to find another way to celebrate. And maybe, if everything goes right with this challenge, I will. Both of those events are at the end of the month. So I have plenty of time to learn to have fun without “stuff”.
Pray, hope, cross your fingers, give me a pat on the back, do a rain dance for me. Because I am very fucking determined to find a way to end these stupid phases I go through where I can’t stand myself. And I think the things I put into my body sometimes have something to do with those phases.
Oh, and another part of March Challenge:
I want to actually TALK to people. I am growing tired of this fucking MySpace Facebook computer bullshit social interaction. Even if that means using a phone for something besides texting. So seriously, if you’re bored one night and want someone to chat with, please consider me one of those people. My number is (removed from public view) if you don’t got it. Don’t even send me a “warning text”, like I often used to make people do. If I’ve never talked to you much before (or at all), let me warn you, I’m very often shy away from the written word, and suck at starting conversations. (Especially if I don’t know you well. But that doesn’t mean you’re excluded from my experiment.) I get nervous as hell on the phone sometimes and you may think I’m a person of special needs if you catch me at a bad time. But at this point, I am willing to try. And fail, if it’s necessary to get me really, really talking.
And I’m assuming anyone who read this far into this very long-winded blog does feel at least some sort of a connection with me, and if you read this far, you’re welcome to be a caller. Even if you’re a guy friend, whatever. My husband is very trusting and supportive of me trying to get rid of my social anxieties, so just don’t try any funny stuff, mister.
If I don’t answer, leave me a voice mail. I really do wanna talk to people, but the truth is, I have a two-story apartment and sometimes my phone is somewhere else and I just don’t hear it. And I do work, often at odd hours, so sometimes I’m just simply preoccupied. But I really wanna do this.
So in March, instead of getting high on drugs and alcohol, I will attempt to get high on conversations.
There you have it. Let the games begin.