Thing-a-day.com

Also Leap Day.

Saw many frogs on papers as they leap. Somehow, since the end of last year, I had been attracted to them. I am not a creature type of person at all, but I got this cute cup because of that.

　　←　Cute, eh? Of course Made in Japan.

I have a feeling that the year 2008 lets me jump to a higher place in all the areas in my life. I am making baby steps, one step at a time, but these are what I had never done before.

This thing too might open another door. I quite enjoyed creating anything that came my way and also interacting with artistic people who inspired me.  

What a difference a month made? Loads, actually. I no longer feel crap about the probation. I think this is a great opportunity to be close to my dream.

Here are some photos I took today. Seattle’s famous Pike Place Market. I love this place. I got purplish-pink tulips and branches of pussy willow (does anyone think about the 007 film?). It was fun to watch more tourist start coming back. I saw a bunch of cute Japanese girls in front of the first Starbucks.

Thanks everyone. Hope to see you next year. Happy spring!

I had a moment today when I was filled with gratitude to be where I am today.

I love my beautiful Emerald City, where I have grown up spiritually.

One day remains to do the thing. I am going to miss it.

This view came into sight as I went into a big meeting room in my office and looked outside today.

I used to come to this room to calm myself down when I was having a hard time about marriage, divorce, etc.

It has only a boring highway view usually, but in the springtime, this tree wears pretty colour like this. I completely forgot about this, as I no longer have to come here.

What a treat.

So soon a sweet change is coming, this I feel.

The work situation unchanged.

I am still the same person with loads of flaws.

Yet,  it was a lovely day.

I would like to become someone who notices little flowers on her feet and appreciates it.

I asked my mother to send me her kimono, which I wanted to wear for my birthday party back in December. This birthday was the very first one I felt like celebrating big after all the struggles about divorce. I had withdrawn for long because of that.

She and I have many issues, which let me move to America. I wanted to get away from her really, as she was soooo harsh on me whilst growing up, trying to frame me in.

However, now I am in my 30’s, recovering from our family disease, I have more compassion for her rather than anger and resentments I used to have.

She did have good intentions to raise me, but she didn’t have tools like I have. She is a mother who wishes her daughter nothing but the best, this I know now.

It cost her more than $600 to send her kimono, but she did it anyway since that was what I wanted. She never says no when I ask her to send me care packages.

I had photos taken in that kimono, and am making those into a book. This is a gift for her birthday this year. I would like to let her know that her daughter has grown up to be beautiful both inside and out.

Yes, I am proud to be me. I feel fortunate to be born as her daughter.

Molto buono.

I had good Sunday. Sunny, warm, bought flowers, this time pink roses.

A very sunny day in Seattle. I wanted to have another indulgent weekend, but I rather wanted to do something more respectful for myself. So went to a conference for the people on recovery.

I have been in this 12-step programme for 6 years, which saved my life from going crazy. I heard many people in my programme and the other one who shared their experiences, strength and hope, which is how the programmes work.

Real people, real life. Telling the truth without fear.

Many times, I got teary, thinking about the last 6 years of my recovery. All of my pains and struggles took me where I am today. I was reminded once again of many things I am grateful for that I now have in my life.

I’ve come so far.

I feel truly blessed that I was given a second chance. I am on the right path. I am not a graceful driver of life, however, I’ve got my vehicle and know how to drive. Slowly but surely I am moving forward.

Once again, I forgot that I’ve got everything I need at hand.

Since I got the probation notice, I was focusing too much on what I couldn’t change.  I resisted to feel better, creating more unnecessary stress. Dah.

It’s all my attitudes that can change every thing. My life had been so well that I made myself too accustomed to it to remember that life consists of full of crap.  

And yet, there were many tools that were right in of me to use in order to deal with those hardships, but I was blind. Again, dahh.

I stopped agonising about my situation at work. I bought myself a pink vase that caught my eye at a flower shop in the building where I work. Felt more pinkish. Got tulips in the same colour.

Hey, this is the very first time I bought flowers for my desk after working there for almost 8 years. I hate working for my office so much I neglected to take good care of myself. I realised I needed more than I needed for home.

I worked hard for the last few days. I know I am leaving the office sometime this year, but I’d like to finish what I need to do. That is, to me, self-care rather than going on a binge of indulgence.

At 5 o’clock today, on getting out of the building, I could smell the flagrance of Winter Daphne flowing with comfortable spring breezes. Felt good about myself.

I wrote about being gentle with myself under adversity a while ago, so I have been doing anything that I thought they would be uplifting emotionally. I was wrong though.

Indulgence has a hint of regret, or guilty to it when you use it, doesn’t it?

I did enjoy going to a ballet, orchestra, fancy dinners, but part of me was saying, ‘is this really what you are supposed to do?’

I tried not to listen to the voice, thinking, why not? I am not going into debt or anything. What is wrong with being indulgent as I am feeling like crap?

Because of the sense of guilt, I must say I didn’t completely embrace joy of what I love to do, which led me on a binge of all those things I did. I wasn’t fully satisfied with them, so I had to do more, more and more, which made me feel more insecure, worried and crappy.

The voice is mine, but this is what my mother always said to me when I was growing up.

‘You should save your money. Keep your room clean. Don’t be like that,’ and so on and on, and on.

In a way, my mother did a great job to ingrain what she thought I should be doing.

I am a grown-up woman now and I want to live my life. Not hers.

This is quite liberating. I can stand on my feet. Now, I wait for the time to make actions to pursue my dreams, which I neglected for too long.

I am going to see it now, wearing my moon stone earrings.

Weather report was wrong. We have clear sky in Seattle!

After a session with my counselor today, I feel so tired. Lots of thinking and findings came along.

Being gentle doesn’t mean I can do anything I want to do like what I have done over the last few weeks.

I will write more tomorrow. Bed is calling.

Oh, I applied for a volunteer at Richard Hugo House, a place for writers.

One step at a time. No matter how small it is.

My favourite Japanese dessert: Matcha Parfait (green tea ice cream, cereal underneath, azuki beans and mochi balls called ’shiratama’).

Got thrilled to find Haagen-Dazs Green Tea flavour Limited Edition at a supermarket. I have once written to them that they should make green tea ice cream or import from JP many years ago. I got a reply that said ‘we will consider it in the near future’ or something like that. It took them 9 years!

I actually prefer a local Snoqualmie one as you can really enjoy the taste of tea.

Another indulging weekend started with going dancing with my girlfriends (guilty pleasure for late nite quesadilla afterwards).

Going to a reading by a Japanese author, which was quite inspiring.

Exploring a wine bar in my neighbourhood on my own.

Going to a friend’s b-day party. 

Brunch with a good friend of mine.

Listening to a Russian symphony (Rachmaninov was a goose-bumping experience).

Nice Italian at-home dinner with close friends.

A sunny day today.

What could I ask more?

And yet, tomorrow, I’ve got plans to have a quality time with myself.

I am like an efficient biofuel machine that knows how to recharge itself with something it has within. Not from outside source.

Yes, it is within me: Happiness.

Brightened!

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, as the Beatles say.

This is what my adopted family and I talked about today.

Now I am in my 30’s and what I learned about love is that you cannot give what you don’t have.

The person whom I love the most is me. Having self-love can only give out love to others.

Loads of people I know don’t know how to make themselves happy, nor do they even know they deserve to be so.

Isn’t this sad? You do not live your life fully, giving up on what you want to do.

I will be selfish. I want to have my life in a respectful way to feel good about myself.

Love cannot solve all the problems, this I know, but at least genuine one from the people I care about lead me where I am today.

♪It’s easy.

It’s everywhere now.

Day by day, the number of buds are increasing.

Quite soon, change and growth, I feel them closer.

I recently read in newspaper about the people who made their dreams come true.

I cut the parts of what they said:

Success comes easier if you find your work interesting.

You can sit around thinking about doing something forever, and nothing happens until you take the first step.

I have so much pride, so much self-worth, so much hope with every circumstance of my life when you know you’re the master of your own destiny.

I do somthing I am good at. It’s a huge difference from being a cog in the wheel.

I bought new shoes.

Two pairs.

Smelled my favourite flowers today, which I didn’t notice last week.

Saw a pair of robins in the morning when I was walking to work.

With the signs of spring, I wondered where these new shoes would take me.

Perhaps somewhere nice.

Kind and thoughtful my friends are.

They don’t give me advice.

They don’t take anything from me.

They know that I am vulnerable right now.

They know that I am getting back on my feet again.

Such freedom they give me to be just the way I am.

Blessed and grateful I am.

I withdrew today at home with any house chores undone.

Rented some films, reading, writing, eating, taking a nap, etc. 

The ballet yesterday was fantastic.

I pictured myself with my future partner, who has not yet come into my life, going to see anything beautiful to share with.

This is something creative I have done today. I quite enjoyed it.

Imagination is such a gift we’ve got, don’t you think?