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MORE CRAPPY FIRST DRAFT, I THINK THIS IS THE PLACE I’M TRYING TO GET TO. THE POINT I’M TRYING TO MAKE.

“Each person is a forest of emotions, new and different from moment to moment. With each and every breath.”

Now in my former life, (3 days ago), this would have been the corniest, crunchiest expression I ever heard, dismissed right after “forest of emotions” and easily forgotten; soon to be replaced by whatever new goal I was going to achieve to get over my ex-boyfriend.
Or the dissatisfaction with my current job
Or the pain of my parents’ divorce
Or the residual embarrasment of being a loser in high school.

But instead of running out of that meditation hall and frantically looking up an ultra-marathon training schedule that would surely make me feel safe, and perfect and invincible and loved and done, I just dropped my head and cried.

If I was leading the Dharma talk, it probably would have gone a little more like this.

“All roads, for better or for worse, all lead to YOU. Right here. Right now. And I got news for ya, that is all there is, period. And you better watch that breath and touch that earth and like every SECOND of it, because it is all you’ve got.

And can’t you KINDA understand why your ex handled that argument that way? Or why that person who drives you insane on the subway can’t seem to get it together and leave you alone during your commute? Because they are in the muck of it just like you! Their minds are really REALLY annoying too!

All you can do is breathe. Whether there is a nun ringing a mindfulnes bell or not. So you may as well sit.
Smile.
Breathe.”

(Obviously, I run a tough-love style Dharma talk)

Basically I cried because someone finally said I could be happy right here. Right now. And without risk of severe dehydration….That I was perfect and sufficient just as I was, even without showering for three days or making anyone laugh.

I am a sucker for the ends of chapters of inspirational/self-help books. You know, the part where the heroine experiences total blissful acceptance of all the conflicting moments of her life. Usually she says something shockingly gracious to her mortal enemy because she is no longer hindered by such petty differences.
But what I realized, in that moment, is I that I had forgotten that chick had pages and pages of being a total mess to get through! But I am always rooting for that sister. Every damn page.

Why did I not support myself like that? Why did I think I could skip to the end, without having to turn over a bunch of different pages?

And with the ring of the bell at the end of that Dharma talk, I finally reached the end of a chapter.

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